A Guru lectured the same sermon for 6 weeks consecutively. By the fifth week, a special group gathered to challenge the Guru about his irritating repetitions. He replied âIâm glad you finally noticed it! Iâm going to keep on preaching the same sermon every week until you get it!â
Sometimes we choose to ignore lifeâs important messages, yet we wonder why the same events âkeep happening to usâââWhy me?â
That which you resist, persists.
The harder we fight or avoid it, the stronger it comes back to us. Problems are presented to us as a gift, and rather than attacking the âlessonsâ or avoiding the ârelentless remindersâ, we should pause. Embrace the âknockingâ and be willing to explore the learning. By cutting through our barricade of resistance and denial, we dig into what is on the other side ~ the awaiting gift to our greatest growth.
Escaping Accountability is probably one of the greatest causes of our problems.
Being at cause (accountable) means claiming our birthright to using the inherent inner resources to improve our lives. Accountability empowers you with the choice to take charge of your feelings, thoughts and actions, regardless of what other peopleâs actions are.
Avoiding accountability happens consciously or unconsciously. By not deciding about something is a choice in itself. Listed below are some of our convenient âdefencesâ, which I call the â10 Lethal Snowballsâ. If we fight or avoid it long enough, it will give us a rude awakening in life.
1. âI DONâT KNOWâ
There are two kinds of âI donât know.â One is a matter of fact, the other is non-accountable. If you donât know how to speak German, you donât. The second one is the one in question. We sometimes say we donât know something when, in cutting truth, we do. We find it too difficult to deal with the real issue and so we put forth the âI donât knowâ excuse to let ourselves off the difficult situation.
For example, Iâve worked with a client who told me of his shock in Indonesia. He is a foreigner and has successfully run a business there for 15 years. And one traumatic day in 1998, his shop cum home was ransacked and torn apart, literally shredded by the racial conflict there. He narrowly escaped that ordeal and lost everything including his little daughter, which he only got to know of her safety after 6 months. After hours of consultation, he finally admitted in hindsight that he knew for over 9 months that the political situation in Indonesia was deteriorating and the signs were clear that he should think of other options. But he didnât because he was very comfortable there and chose to ignore it.
I often ask those people who frequently use âI donât knowâ this interesting question â âI know you donât know what happened, but if you knew, just if, what would that be?â And frequently they respond with one or more possibilities which moments before seemed not available to them. Choosing not to know has its repercussions. If you donât like to be in a hole, stop digging.
2. âI HAD NO CHOICE!â
On the surface, certain situations in our lives seem that way. Especially when the consequences are threatening.
In a school enrichment programme that I had facilitated a teenager retorted, âI have no choice but to be here, or Iâll be expelled!â I ushered him gently to the door and said, âThank you for being so honest, having no choice robs away your power. And I only want to teach those grown-ups that have the courage to face their choices. Iâll tell your principal that you have attended my class.â He gave me a menacing stare and walked back to his seat. Over the weeks I taught there, he became one of the positive role models that others identify with.
When people say they donât have a choice, what they really are saying is that they canât accept the consequences. Choice and consequences are flip sides of the same coin. What most people donât realise is by claiming they had no choice, they have completely surrendered themselves to the perceived inevitable.
You probably have heard this story or perhaps witnessed one yourself. Twins brought up in a dysfunctional family. Father is a workaholic and derives pleasure from inflicting pain onto others. Both brothers have bruises and cane marks when they go to school. Mother is an incorrigible gambler, hardly at home and finally runs away with another man. Father becomes alcoholic and suicidal. Finally, the Children Services removes the children from their violent home. Both go separate ways to different foster homes.
30 years went by before they met each other again. As one brother left his own hardware retail store with his loving wife and two beautiful kids, a filthily clothed beggar approached him. While the retail owner reached into his wallet for a donation, their eyes met and a strange sense of familiarity came over both of them. The conversation that followed finally revealed their relationship.
Same womb and same dysfunctional family but now worlds apart. One brother gave a long story of âno choiceâ circumstances, very much told from a victimâs reality. The other chose to do everything that is the opposite of their circumstances. One settled for the obvious thing to do, âsurviveâ. The other chose to âliveâ and faced the uphill challenge. We are a product of our choices, not our circumstance. Saying we have no choice disempowers us.
3. âIâLL TRYâ
In some of my workshops, I asked participants to âtryâ to change their seats. They lifted their bottoms up and sat down in a new seat. I then said âNo, youâve changed seats. I asked you to âtryâ to change your seat.â After a few seconds of blinking, they understood and a few of them wrestled and grunted as they âtriedâ unsuccessfully to lift their bottoms up. You see, we either lift up our butts to a new location or we donât. âSit, walk or run, donât wobble.â When we have no intention of following through, we wobble, and it becomes an agonizing attempt.
How do you feel when someone says âIâll try to make itâ? Would you count on them? Similarly, when we hold back on life, life holds back on us. Or how about when someone says âIâll try to give it to you tomorrow.â Are they intending to finish the work or are they uncertain about their agendas? The next time you hear these words, or catch yourself about to say it â pause and clarify. Most, if not all people, would really appreciate hearing a definite âNoâ rather than a flimsy âIâll try.â A non-accountable answer, in addition to discounting your credibility, might sometimes create disasters. Just imagine when your new nanny says âIâll try to look after your baby in the pool.â Would you go out with peace of mind?
4. âI HAD NO CONTROLâ
Another form of âI have no choice.â âSatan made me do it!â Maybe itâs true, however, Satan still needed the evil in you to work.
I was once in a merger discussion between two parties. Halfway through, they went into a sensitive area and things got out of hand. Highly charged emotional words were exchanged. Both leaders were shouting at each other, very much out of control. Being caught in the middle, I asked them whether it was necessary to raise their voices, and then suddenly, there was a ring from the phone nearby. It was one of the leaderâs major clients. In a very calm and cheerful voice, he handled the call like a professional. And as soon as the phone was put down, the shouting and screaming continued.
âNo control?â No one can make you angry until you give him the power to do so. If you say you donât have control, then your emotional buttons are placed on the external surface of your body. That means whenever someone wants to make you âAngry, Sad or Happyâ, they can just simply walk over to you and press those buttons, and youâll display those emotions for them.
5. âIFâŠ., THENâŠ.!â
I recalled a statement made by one of my participants âIf my husband gives me more respect then I will listen to him.â I wonder what is the chance of that participant getting more respect? Would someone respect someone else if they donât listen to what they have got to say? Another person shared with me, âIf my wife loves me for who I am, then I would be happy.â Who wants to be in love with an unhappy person?
A more effective approach would be to become a happy person first, then the chance of developing a loving relationship improves.
The âIfâŠ., thenâŠ.!â approach puts conditions between our outcome and us. More often than not, the conditions become more important than the outcome. Maybe we donât really want our so called outcome; we want something that will keep us within our comfort zone. If we are serious about our goals, drop the conditions and go straight for it. Conditions are often self-deceiving tactics to escape accountability.
6. âITâS NOT MY FAULTâ
Yes, there are times when some things are honestly not our fault. Transferring the cause to others keeps us in a stuck state and it damages our self-esteem in the long run. What do you think the answer would be when you ask a convict how they ended up in jail? They would tell you âItâs not my fault.â We are all accountable for our affairs.
And collectively we are all accountable for whatâs happening in our community, state, country and our planet. It starts with the individual. Most people see a tumour as the problem, but what happens most of the time when you surgically remove it? It comes back. Why? Because we did not work on the ecology of the individual cell. If everyone single one of us starts transforming ourselves (the individual cell) first, we would immediately impact the people that we come in contact every day. Collectively over time, we will remove the âtumourâ in our society. Thatâs accountability at the micro-level that changes the macro scene forever.
When we blame others, we prevent ourselves from learning. Instead of focusing on transferring the fault, ask âWhat is the learning for me, so that I could apply it in the future?â This restores accountability.
7. âITâS NOT MY JOBâ
Not too long ago, I had dinner in a struggling hotel. The service there was âincredibleâ. I saw a bowl of sliced chillies without the accompanying soya sauce and ladle. I politely asked one of the waiters to take care of the situation. Fifteen minutes later, nothing happened. I then asked an assisting cook at the buffet table for the items. With a nonchalant look in his eyes, he said, âItâs not my job.â He doesnât do the buffet table setting, he just refills it. Three months later, the hotel name was changed as it was sold to a more prestigious hotel management group. When it comes to guaranteeing business continuity, quality customer service is everybodyâs business. In fact, nothing seems to be outside a job description for top companies like Citibank, Federal Express, Hewlett Packard, Honda and many more.
What is âoutsideâ of our job description at work and at home? Are we placing limits on ourselves and others by stating âItâs not my jobâ? Are we placing boundaries on our role so that we could stay in our comfort zone? When we refuse to stretch, and stay in our comfort zone, over time just like our muscles it atrophies. What if we remove the limits at work and at home and did whatever it takes to make things flow?
8. âI CANâTâ
Whether we think we can or we cannot, we are right. Life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. We very often ascertain our outcome in advance, then we behave in ways that support that outcome. We might hear someone say âI canâtâ when in truth they are saying âI wonât.â One of the reasons that contribute to someone saying a disguised âI canâtâ is because they are not comfortable with the difficulty of the commitment. Before you say that to yourself or others, pause. Is it true that you canât or you wonât? âI just canât get along with him.â âI canât exercise three times a week.â âI canât take on this assignment.â Be clear and truthful to yourself. Rather than claiming our personal power and taking prudent risks, we substitute it with a smokescreen, and that robs us of the opportunity to reach our potential.
9. âTHATâS JUST THE WAY I AM!â
Iâm reminded of a coaching session with one of my clients. After ninety minutes of consultation, we were still going around in circles. I asked her âIs there anything preventing you from doing what Iâve suggested?â She said âNo.â
After a series of creative probing, at almost my witâs end, she finally said, âItâs just not me to do those sorts of things and thatâs just the way I am.â
And I said, âThatâs right, so what is not you?â
She stared at me with her mouth open as if Iâve just uttered a Martian language. After pausing for quite awhile she said âEverything else!â I then told her âThatâs right again, what is you then?â
She replied after a short pause âEverything I am made up of.â For which I then said âEverything, including your problems?â She replied, âYes, I guess itâs only fair to admit it.â Then I finally asked, âSo let me ask again, what is not you then?â
She finally understood and whispered âThe solution.â
Doing the same thing every day while hoping to get a different result; people in the mental institutions still think that way. This non-accountable behaviour justifies an unwillingness to move off our position and puts the responsibility on others to make a change. The person or thing with the most flexibility has the greatest chance of succeeding. And once you stretch your boundaries you can only continue to grow; you cannot regain your original dimension. Thatâs the wonder of our nervous system, one of the greatest creations of the universe.
10. âIâLL WAIT AND SEEâ
I have come across a few attendees in my workshops who sit in the back row or corner with their arms folded, transmitting this message âIâll wait and see if this is going to be a good workshop.â The responsibility is clearly up to someone else. Are they at cause in their own learning evolution? No. They are waiting for me to present a good workshop.
Similarly in the other areas of life, âIâll wait and seeâ has also been applied, probably by the same people. âIâll wait and see how the meeting goes.â âIâll wait and see how things go next week.â âIâll wait and see if she really loves me.â As self-appointed sceptical observers of life, they look for and find the flaws and hold back their involvement. Again if you hold back on life, life holds back on you.
These people fail to see that their âlukewarmâ outcome is a result of their âlukewarmâ involvement.
Life is a âdo it to yourselfâ programme.
The learning is in the doing. A famous Chinese philosopher once said âShow me and I will forget. Tell me and I may remember. But if you involve me I will understand.â
A very close friend of mine always gets her outcome in her learning. She makes the best of her experience by being fully involved and by believing that everyone is unique and therefore she has something to benefit from it. Some people get transformed after a workshop. And in the same workshop, some people remain unchanged. So who ultimately determines the quality of our experience? We are what we think. What we see is who we are. Our beliefs structure our perception. We cannot see beyond our own projection. Perception is projection. Nothing is good or bad, itâs the thinking that makes it so.
ACCOUNTABILITY = POWER TO CHANGE
Are we placing the responsibility on others to create the results we want? While there are many ways to avoid accountability, the 10 Lethal Snowballs lists the common ones. Which ones are you most familiar with? Be honest, you probably have used more than one of them.
Maybe you can add some non-accountabilities to the list, such as âI donât have time.â No, we have twenty-four hours a day, donât we? The issue, therefore, is how we choose to spend the hours. We always have enough time so long as we choose to spend it on things that are most important to us. What about this one â âNobody told me!â When someone says that, they are saying they donât listen very well.
Let me share this story with you.
A kid came back from school and said, âMom, we had an important history test today, and nobody told me about it!â
Mom asked, âDid anyone else in the class not know about the test?â
Kid replied, âNo, they all knew except me, nobody told me!â
Another familiar one, âI forgot!â Sometimes we really forget and other times we choose not to remember, because we donât know how to turn down an engagement or itâs something we donât particularly enjoy doing. A variation of this includes becoming so caught up in doing things we like to do that we âforgetâ to do those things that are highly important to others.
When we claim accountability in our lives, we regain control.
Remember, being at cause means accepting the choice and its consequences. Strangely, as soon as you gain ownership of the cause, you begin to transform the effects.
Most of all, when you embrace accountability in your life, the âSnowballsâ of rude awakening may just simply slow down and eventually melt away. At the same time, another kind of âSnowballâ is beginning to roll towards your future, helping you create the life that you truly deserve.
Expand your mindset, master your emotions, transform your habits and align your behaviours & communication.
Advancing in any pursuits of your professional and life's outcome does not come from logical thinking or positive thinking alone. Often, people donât get what they want because theyâre held back by inner conflicts they donât know about.
Get to know yourself, maximise your potential and create sustainable results in your life.